Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.