8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
huge if true: the moon
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater