My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Good advice.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
this is literally a CIA plant
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Employees must applaud the planets.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.