It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
crazy
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.