Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.