People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist