If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day