You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed