Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No