I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
😅😅😅
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.