stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother