Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You Might Also Like
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes