GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
You Might Also Like
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair