[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Go hard or stay average
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline