“so what brings you to therapy today?”
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir