My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
You Might Also Like
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset