Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
True statement👍😏😁
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB