You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.