My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
never compromise your values
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
There is no “we” in pizza
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?