My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
This is my pinned tweet
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.