Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.