Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
When your parents check you’re ok.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over