[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
You Might Also Like
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*