[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent