my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine