[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.