If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not