I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Yep.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen