The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I think they could have phrased this better
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS