There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I think about this a lot
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.