My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
58.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk