Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.