Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.