360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
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FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.