Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
the way this pissed me off… 😭
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.