Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.