Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet