To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool