Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
You Might Also Like
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
lmfao come on
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge