My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.