“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.