[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
smh
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
the greatest twitter interaction
idk flipping houses looks really hard