usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
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The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie