If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Basketball
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.