I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.