Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot