[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead