“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
me and who
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.