If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.