@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*updates tinder bio*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Just say no
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
house sitting!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.